Mind full of worries, but that's just - life

Today, I feel really exhausted.
Not just because of today, but a series of events that happened.
It feels like $%#^@* crap shit.

Well, for one is that I have given up hope on my unit. I seriously, do not want to have anything got to do with it anymore. I'll just wrap up all unfinished business and promises I have left, and goodbyes! The people, the environment, the organisation, and just everything has changed. Makes me feel like I'm in an unknown ground. And probably because I have changed too. If anyone dislikes or hates me for what I have done, if I'm in the wrong, I apologise. But if not, hopefully they'll see where I'm coming from one day. No more regrets, no more worries, no big bangs, just wanna leave in peace.

As for friends, acquaintences, buddies, brothers or sisters, however you may call them. Its really tiring to constantly think about what are they thinking or feeling and me trying hard to please all of them. I am someone who treasures my friends. They mean alot to me. When they are happy, so am I. But in recent times, it has shown and proven to me how weak this bond is between two individuals. Me, and someone else. And it makes me wonder whether all that I have done, has it gone in vain. Or what I have been doing is everything based on my own thinking and it wasn't mutual to begin with. I seen many people coming in and out of my life. "Hi", "Bye". I really wonder, and many times for that, whether or not the fault lies with me, or am I just plain unlucky not to be able to find the right people to be-friend. Seriously speaking, the latter is quite unlikely so I guess I'll go with me being at fault. Yeah, probably that's why I've been seeing increasing numbers of people disliking me, hating me and detasting me. Seriously speaking, how in the world am I supposed to be able to read people's minds and guess what are they thinking or feeling when they do not tell me. I have to guess whether this person likes me or whether that person hates me. That's way too tiring. But unfortunately, me being me, I can't stop thinking too much. Sometimes, I really do not know who is the one putting on a mask and whether can I really trust that person to hold my secrets. I feel so scared to socialise. And I really do not like it when no one else makes the effort to try at least to maintain a relationship. They sit and wait for things to happen. Maybe that's why they feel less unhappy. Probably its true about what a particular someone said about me, I have no true friends, I'm just an outcast.

Another worry on my mind is definitely my future career path. I don't see how some people can not bother thinking and planning about what they will become in the future and the type of route they will take up to reach that goal. But that being said, even if I plan so much, it doesn't necessarily mean that I am capable of reaching my goals. I've been thinking everyday for the past few weeks of my future career. There are many choices, all have their own pros and cons in them. And mostly have some form of abiguity in them. Which suits me the best, which will be the best option, which will have the better prospect, which will enable me to maximise my time and earn the most, which of this and that are some of the many things jumbling through my mind when I have to process this thought. I have been consulting many people on this matter and they all give different responses and reactions to my situation. But one thing is in common, they all tell me, its my choice in the end. So, how am I supposed to go ahead with that being said to me. I'm still stuck at point zero. I'm really afraid I make the wrong choices. And when I do I'm afraid I'll regret my choice. And I told myself before not to regret any choices I make in life, just face the music and go on with it. Make it better if I have to some time in the future. Am I really capable of doing what I have described.

I'm really a person who thinks too much. Whatever I have just typed above are thoughts that come out of my mind at an instant. So they may not link with each other in the same paragraph. But they're all genuine thoughts from me. I know thinking too much can only cause more problems. But sigh, I've always been wanting to be more happy-go-lucky. And just not worry about what life has to bring, but just go along with the flow and still be happy.

I also really appreciate all the people that have encouraged me or adviced me in some form or another. Thanks so much for that. I really do hope that things will turn out fine and at the end of the day, I just want to be a happy and contented person. Its tough, full of challenges, ups and downs. But that's just - life.